I’ve mentioned the estimate that 25-75% of the symptoms that develop and keep us from living long, robust lives are from emotional pain!
When emotional pain is more than a person can take, self-harm can manifest.
Self-harm can translate emotional pain into physical pain. Often, people find physical pain easier to cope with.
You may never experience un-aliving thoughts yourself
But knowing more about these thoughts? You could be the person that saves someone’s life.
It is devastating to lose someone to suicide. It’s absolutely not over when a person takes their own life. The trauma can impact many people.
So whether these are thoughts you have personally, or thoughts someone else may be having, there are some simple techniques to keep yourself and others safe that I’d like to share today.
First, let’s upgrade our collective knowledge
MYTH: If you talk about suicide, you’re just putting the idea of suicide into that person’s mind and increasing their risk of suicide.
FACT: Talking openly about suicide lowers anxiety, opens up communication, and lowers the risk of harm.
MYTH: People who talk about suicide or attempt suicide don’t actually want to kill themselves—they just want attention.
FACT: According to research, as many as 75% of people who die by suicide do or say something to indicate their state of mind and intentions before they act. It’s not that they want attention. It’s that they need attention.
MYTH: People who think about suicide are weak.
FACT: People who think about suicide are often struggling with mental illness or are in a difficult situation and need help. Thinking about suicide or struggling with mental illness does not make a person weak. If a person broke their leg, you wouldn’t think that they were weak for going to the doctor to get a cast. We should think about mental illness in a similar way.
MYTH: Once someone decides to complete suicide, there is nothing anyone can do to stop it.
FACT: Suicide is the most preventable form of death and almost any positive action may save a life.
We all coulda learned this in 8th grade
You are totally up to the task of taking most suffering people from a hot moment to a cool calm, or identifying when you can’t and need more help. You just need the tools.
And while you may personally need help if you are struggling, these same tools can be helpful when adopted in your self-talk.
First is checking in with your mindset
Empathy and rapport go a long way. Take a moment to take a deep breath and turn your attention fully on the other person. Let them know that you want to support them without judgement.
“You are important to me.” “I care about you.” Stating these are important when speaking to someone you already know.
And as you proceed, ask yourself:
Am I responding to this person’s needs in a way that considers and respects their culture, background and experience?
Am I actively listening to them?
What assumptions am I making?
How might I continue to be mindful and curious?
Next, safety is the priority
You can assess their state of mind by asking:
Are you having thoughts about ending your life?
Are you having thoughts of how you would end your life?
Do you have [that method] available to you now? (Try to negotiate that they put it away while you talk)
Do you have a plan to end your life in the next 24 hours?
When the person is “stage 4,” this is when it is labeled a crisis and there is a need for immediate, professional help.
Validate the person’s experience
Begin to notice that it is normal and understandable for people to have these feelings. And share that observation. “It’s normal to feel this way”; “It’s understandable that you would feel X.”
Use ‘tentafiers’
You can’t be in their head, so don’t assume you know. Be tentative. “That sounds like you are…”; “I’m hearing that this is … for you.”
Stay open by asking so you understand: “Could you share more?”;“Could you tell me more about X.”
Label the emotions
Rather than ‘very sad,’ use your excellent language skills here to try to be as precise as possible. “That must have been devastating for you.”
Identify the person’s strengths
It takes courage to be vulnerable. So acknowledge that. “It takes a lot of courage to open up to me.” “It takes strength to share your feelings.”
It is also difficult to remember what brings joy when a person is feeling vulnerable and considering self-harm. Here’s where you can help. Become a detective and determine what coping skills they already have: “Can you think of an activity that you enjoy/makes your body feel calm?”
It takes strength to bend the mind’s will and remember. Doing something like listening to music, connecting with a friend, watching a show or movie, taking a bath, cooking, or doing breathing exercises take courage and support.
Don’t diagnose
Someone may specifically say they feel depressed, down, not themselves, off, or numb. No matter how much experience or knowledge you have, focus on empowering the person to obtain coping skills and seek professional help, rather than thinking you know their experience.
When people feel this way, they may not have the “spoons,” or executive function, to find a therapist or counselor themselves that suits their unique needs, accepts their insurance, or sees people on a sliding scale. Here’s another area your research skills can aid a hand.
Texting now available
I’ve met with a suicide prevention hotline volunteer who shared that most of the people who call in are regulars who are lonely and know the system and amount of calls they are allowed to make.
By comparison, I learned the skills I’m sharing today by becoming a volunteer with the Crisis Textline. People are much more willing to text than call. I am much more willing to volunteer by text than I would be over the phone. Technology has enhanced human ability with these tools.
I’ve interacted with people of all ages and life experiences through this platform and I’ve never encountered a regular, though they do happen there, too.
If you want to use this resource or direct someone else:
Text ‘HOME’ to 741741 in the US
Text ‘SHOUT’ to 85258 in the UK
Text ‘CONNECT’ to 686868 in Canada
Text ‘HOME’ to 50808 in Ireland
A live person will respond. The opener is along the lines of: “Hi, my name is Heather and I’m here to support you without judgment.”
For the research geeks
The Crisis Textline is also fascinating for the data they analyze and share. You can find their Empathy Report here sharing what they’ve learned from all the text conversations such as the increase in relationship stress and mentions of substances, year over year.
You don’t need to be perfect
Not many people make the effort to learn these skills. You showing up is enough. And it’s far more than so many people ever got in years past.
You got this.
Thank you for reading, please share with anyone who might benefit.